Monday, July 30, 2007

What goes inside the mind of people in an interview

HRs hate the much as the applicant. So here's what goes inside people's mind...

If only Interviewers could read our minds......................

INTERVIEWER: Good morning Ravi. I'm so pleased that we've finally had a chance to meet. (This loser's been flooding my Inbox with desperate messages.)

APPLICANT: It's a pleasure to speak with you. (She's been ignoring my messages for weeks. I'll never get this job.)

INTERVIEWER: Arvind Shankar recommended you highly. So naturally I reviewed your resume and gave you a call. (Arvind is an idiot. Why is he wasting my time with this jerk?)

APPLICANT: I've known Arvind for years, and he's very familiar with my work. (Arvind is an idiot -- a well-connected idiot. And if he weren't my wife's brother, he wouldn't give me the time of day.)

INTERVIEWER: So tell me something about yourself. (He must be a relative. God I hate this job.)

APPLICANT: Well, ---- I have a highly diversified background -- everything from computer programming, to teaching, to sales. (One day I'll find something I'm actually good at.)

INTERVIEWER: Which of those fields best reflects your skills? (Just what we need around here -- another jack-of-all-trades.)

APPLICANT: Well, ---- I'd say I'm equally strong at all of them. (I hate them all. Why do I keep saying "well"?)

INTERVIEWER: Our Company takes pride in having well-rounded employees. (The only thing well-rounded about our employees is their a$$.)

APPLICANT: I do feel that my broad range of experience allows me to see the big picture and enhances my ability to function pro-actively. (She'll never buy this. Even I won't even buy this.)

INTERVIEWER: That sounds very interesting. Why don't you tell me about your last job? (What crap. He's too sleazy even for sales.)

APPLICANT: I was the Northeast Sales Manager, responsible for directing a sales force of seventeen. Unfortunately, my position was eliminated as a result of our acquiring a large competitor. (One with a sales force that actually sold.)

INTERVIEWER: What do you feel you took from that experience? (I'll bet the only thing he took was their customer list.)

APPLICANT: I developed managerial skills including how to evaluate manpower, delegate tasks, and allocate responsibility. (Three martini lunches and their customer list.)

INTERVIEWER: If you had to name your greatest strength, what would that be? (They all claim strong interpersonal skills.)

APPLICANT: Well, ---- that's a tough one. If I had to name just one, I suppose it would be strong interpersonal skills. (There I go with that "well" business again.)

INTERVIEWER: And your greatest weakness? (I wonder if he'll pick "perfectionist" or "workaholic.")

APPLICANT: My perfectionism does get me into trouble sometimes. And I have to fight my workaholic tendencies. (More like alcoholic tendencies.)

INTERVIEWER: That's very interesting. (Bingo!)

INTERVIEWER: I see you've worked for four companies in the last 18 months. Were all your terminations the result of downsizing? (I can't remember the last applicant who was terminated "for cause.")

APPLICANT: Yes, I'm afraid this economic downturn has been tough on white collar workers like me. But a growing company such as yours is perfectly positioned to benefit from my skills and maturity. (I sure hope Arvind has as much influence as he claims. Otherwise I'll never be able to afford the divorce.)

INTERVIEWER: What kind of position are you looking for? (If Arvind makes me hire him, I'll quit.)

APPLICANT: Well, ---- I'm flexible, of course. But the ideal position would both use my talents and skills and provide the kind of challenge that would grow me as an employee. (Something that pays well, isn't demanding, and has a fancy title. I sure wish I knew how much clout Arvind has.)

INTERVIEWER: That's good to hear. (If he says "well" once more, I'll shoot him.)

INTERVIEWER: Are you presently considering any offers? (Fat chance!)

APPLICANT: Frankly, I've been targeting my job search to a few select firms such as yours. (Fat chance! I've been rejected or ignored by everyone in my neighbourhood, city , and the state!)

I see. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me about yourself? (I just love being lied to.)

APPLICANT: Only that I'm hard-working, a team player, and that I'm eager to make whatever contribution I can to your firm. (Will this interview never end?)

INTERVIEWER: Is there anything you'd like to ask about our Company? (Please don't!)

APPLICANT: I think Arvind has me pretty told me everything. (What's the point of asking? Boring boo!)

INTERVIEWER: Good. But you may not be aware that many of our sales employees do their paperwork at home via computer hook-up with headquarters. How would you feel about that kind of set up? (It's either work at home or be stuffed into a two-by-four box like me.)

APPLICANT: Whatever's best for the company is fine by me. (Now we're talking four martini lunches.)

INTERVIEWER: We don't have many jobs available right now. Would you consider a trainee position on our software sales force? Not that I'm in a position to make you an offer, just yet. (Please say no, so I can tell Arvind you turned me down.)

APPLICANT: I'm ready and willing to consider any and all offers from a company as respected as yours. (Damn that Arvind. Next they'll ask me to sweep the floors. I must have sounded too desperate.)

INTERVIEWER: I'll be glad check our job slots against your credentials and see if we find a match. (I'd rather set fire to his pathetic resume.)

APPLICANT: Thank you so much for your time. I've enjoyed exchanging ideas with you. And I'm certain my references will confirm everything I've told you. (I hope they're better liars than I am.)

INTERVIEWER: It's certainly been a pleasure speaking with you. I'll be in contact as soon as I have an opportunity to touch base with your references. (They'll think I'm a lawyer when I get through cross-examining them.)

APPLICANT: Thanks. I really appreciate your time. (I'll never hear from her again.)

INTERVIEWER: You're very welcome. And lots of luck to you. (Boy, will he need it.)

APPLICANT: One last thing. When may I expect to hear from you? (I won't hold my breath.)

INTERVIEWER: Give it a week or two. (Don't hold your breath.)

I Ctrl C'd it from here...

Friday, July 27, 2007

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Drive away those potential suitors

Neighbourhood auntyji's have a get the girl next door married. So when you are left alone with the 'potential suitor'....try saying the below stuff!

1. The only reason I am marrying you is because I broke my Dad's laptop and as a punishment he said he'll get me married to the first Idiot he sees in the telephone directory.
2. It's my eternal dream to get married to a joker.
3. My ex was sentenced to life imprisonment.
4. I go blind after darkness, so it doesn't matter whom I marry.
5. I actually want to prove to my parents that I'm not cursed, just because two of my earlier husbands died in the first month of my marriage.
6. I lost a bet.
7. Frogs are scarce these days, so thought I'll marry it's closest species.
8. My servants asked for a raise which I couldn't afford.
9. I'd be your loving and caring wife. So, what's your favouraite Pedigree flavour?
10. [whistle] [whistle]....hello! I'm calling you!...Didn't you hear it?
11. Why have you come with your twin brother?
12. Sometimes, when I cut vegetables, I get a strong desire to commit a murder.

What ADS say, What they mean

Call it the blogging pressure! For the FIRST TIME in my life, I am not posting something created by me or something 'inspired' ...but a Copy Paste job. SHUCKS...and the reason would be that my agency has murdered my sense of humor...till i get it back...enjoy chipkaod maal.

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.