Monday, May 12, 2008

Interview with George Dubya Bush

Indian Reporter (IR): Hello Mr. Bush. Good morning!

Bush: Good morning??? It's almost night time here....hey, are you from India?

IR: Mmmm, err well, yes Mr. Bush. Thanks for joining in. I would begin the Interview by asking, what were your major achievements in your 4 year tenure.

Bush: Yes, that would be discovering the root cause of all the problems in the world.

IR: Let me take wild guess. Iraq?

Bush: No, that would be India.

IR: How is that?

Bush: India has a huge population. They consume a lot of resources.

IR: Mmmm, err, but US also happens to have the 3rd largest population in the World, though much lesser than India and China, but still 3rd largest. How do you explain that?

Bush: Well that is due to India.

IR: India!!?

Bush: Yes. Lots of Indians moving in, increasing the population of US. Moreover, India's awareness about condoms has largely reduced the supply in here. So more births.

IR: So why did you ban abortion?

Bush: Yes, that is because of India. Now in future, we need to be ahead of them in something.

IR: So how are you dealing with the food crisis? What do you think is the reason?

Bush: The reason for the food crisis is obviously increased consumption of food in India.

IR: But according to a statistic, US consumes 5 times more than an average Indian.

Bush: Yes, the increased consumption of food in US is due to India.

IR: How the hell is it due to India!??

Bush: Indians have snatched away a lot of jobs. Americans feel insecure, so they feel stressed. And in stress, a person eats more. So India is responsible.

IR: According to a statistic tonnes of food was destroyed due to drought or incessant rains. Climate change is responsible for the low food. Global Warming is the real reason. So what do you think about that?

Bush: Yes, there is climate change. And India is responsible for that.

IR: Again? How is that?

Bush: Yes, India is guzzling up more petrol. Therefore increased Carbon dioxide, so we have global warming.

IR: But India's carbon footprint is 1.2. American's footprint is 20.6!

Bush: Ya, for the increased footprint of Americans, India is responsible.

IR: How is India responsible for that??

Bush: Since India is snatching away all the jobs, Americans have to travel more, in search of a job. Also we have to burn the midnight oil to make the ends meet.

IR: So I suppose for every resource deficiency, India is responsible.

Bush: Yes. absolutely.

IR: So tell me, how the hell did you manage to screw up Iraq war?

Bush: Yes, that got screwed up. India is responsible for that.

IR: Are you outta your mind??? How was/is India responsible?

Bush: Since aviation sector has now largely developed in India, global aviation fuel spiralled up. So we had to cut down on our expenditure. We couldn't get in as many armed force personnel we wanted to.

IR: If you weren't sure, why did you take this headache in first place?

Bush: As I said, India is responsible.

IR: How is India responsible for that?????????????!!!!

Bush: Since you Indians are using a lot of gas, we had to find an alternate source.

IR: But I thought, you attacked Iraq fearing Weapons of Mass Destruction!

Bush: Oh! Did I? India is responsible for this goof up.

IR: NOW how India is responsible?

Bush: When I made that decision, I just had a paneer tikka, which is an Indian dish....very strong spices. So I manage to screw up. So, no doubt, India is responsible for that.

IR: Coming to Iraq war, therefore the terror attack, why did such a disaster even take place?

Bush: Well, yes, India is responsible for that.

IR: I knew you would say that! How?

Bush: Since a lot of Indians are moving in, we had no choice but to create space in the city be making tall buildings.

IR: And Osama, you never caught him.

Bush: Yes, it is all because of India.

IR: HOW THE HELL IS INDIA RESPONSIBLE??????????????????????????

Bush: Bollywood movie's influence is increasing in Pakistan. The troops there are mentally scarred by watching the movies. They are not able to devote ther 100% in looking for Osama.

IR: Many people blame that yours was the worst tenure in the history of America. What do you have to say about that?

Bush: Well...

IR: Let me guess, India is responsible for that.

Bush: That's right!!!

IR: But how?

Bush: That I am yet to figure out. I am not sure how, I have asked Condoleezza to look for the reason, but I am sure India is responsible. I am positive.

IR: Err, Mr. Bush, thank you for the interview. I am sure it is way beyond your bedtime.

Bush: It is!! Now I won't be able to sleep! I won't be able to take the right decisions tomorrow because I won't be able to sleep. ALL BECAUSE OF THAT REPORTER! ALL BECAUSE OF INDIA........

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

So I quit!*

It was a typical day. Sun was rising from the west. Cows were flying. Birds were barking. And on such a seemingly normal day, I did the unthinkable. I quit my job.

The itch began a few months back. The days when -

  • I had nothing to do but browse the internet. I WAS BLOODY HELL GETTING PAID TO WATCH ONLINE VIDEOS!!!!
  • I used to enter office by 10:00 AM and leave by 5:29 PM
  • Had no job pressure whatsoever!
  • Had a salary I could brag about.

And I thought - "To hell with this life!" I quit my job, my perfect perfect job. Rage was my home for 1.5 yrs. I worked with some of the most annoying and yet the people I can never forget (yup, they were that good!). Then the time comes when you have to leave. Little birdies have to leave the nest to fly high...or whatever you might wanna call.

A few good things I will miss -

1. The people - When I broke the news, my seniors told my that it is a great move and would greatly help my career.

2. High speed internet connection - Youtube vidoes played like makhkhan.

3. Evening snacks - Surya sweets' pizza, paav bhaaji, chana chaat, samosa, etc, etc

And a few things which I will not miss -

1. The job - I was fed up writing "Make your dreams come true". I didn't have a choice. Once I had to visit Top 25 websites of a few countries to check which bank ad appeared in those websites. My bad luck! The job was assigned to me because I had nothing to do. My bad luck! Many among the Top 25 websites were porn sites. My bad luck! Not many people knew about the project. : (

2. Tea - The tea was orangish-brown-white in colour and tasted like %^&*@.

In short, I would surely miss the place. I will not miss the work.

And I am entering a place where -

  • Job pressure is as high as sitting at the bottom of Mount Etna.
  • Overtime, night stay is as common as Bush blaming India for global warming/food crisis
  • Work is inversely proportional to Bush's IQ.

New job! Here I come to get screwed!

* Caapirighter promises its readers that this was the last post wallowing in self pity. She will not dedicate another post about herself. Satan swears it on Bush.